How to Teach Girls About Boundaries and Consent: “No Means No”

During special celebrations, holidays, or just a Tuesday, family and friends gather for festivities. Reunions are usually filled with laughter and excitement. Whether it is a special occasion or just a field trip, setting up girls (and boys) for success for interacting with people is paramount. I urge you to consider how to teach children boundaries and consent: “no means no” as well.  Whether you own daughter, or the young girls in your classroom, explicitly teaching boundaries is crucial.

How to Teach Girls about Boundaries and Consent: “No Means No”

Parents and caregivers of young girls, do you find yourself saying…

• “Shake their hand”
• “Give them a hug goodbye”
• “Go give him a kiss”
• “Tell her you love her”

Giving commands to force little girls to be touched, caressed, massaged, etc.. without acknowledging they may be uncomfortable is irresponsible. I am officially done with that concept.

Instead, I am going to teach the children in my life that “no means no.”

How to Protect Your Personal Space

Forcing a young girl “to be polite” is a fancy way of saying “you cannot say no if you are uncomfortable being touched.” This is setting a mantra in their impressionable, naive, people-pleasing minds that touch is always allowed for the sake being polite.

That being said, allow me to explain how I arrived at that perspective.

Take for instance the special 9 months of pregnancy. Why do strangers or casual friends feel they are allowed to touch your stomach? I am currently pregnant with daughter #2, and it truly baffles me at the audacity of a stranger or someone I don’t know well would reach out to pat my belly because of my little bun in the oven.

I feel my privacy and personal space is being invaded, yet this is seen as normal interaction for some. Rewind a couple years, and this is the same feeling I had when strangers put their hands on my first daughter when she was young.

How to Interact with Family

My oldest daughter just turned 5 years old and she has traveled the world at breakneck speed thanks to being born into our gypsy family full of wanderlust. This is a wonderful lifestyle we have chosen in hopes of raising globally minded kids.

However, a huge downside of traveling is seeing our families once a year when we come home for the summer. We spend two months going all over the US to see everyone one on both sides of the family.

Grandmas, uncles, grandpas, aunts, cousins all grab my daughter when she walks in the door. They all love my baby girl very much. However, it got me thinking about whether or not this was forced and what impact it was having on her to be touched by people she didn’t know.

In these first couple years of summer visits, our families were virtually strangers, and yet here I found myself very embarrassed that she “rejected” their love.

After all, these were our family members!

Navigating Parenting Issues as a Multiracial Family

Even though no one was offended by the toddler not hugging them, it spoke to an issue I did not grow up talking about enough. My husband was the one who looked at me incredulously when I talked through the way I felt affection to family members was obligatory and polite.

This conversation with him affected my perspective as we navigated how to raise multiracial children as well.

Since that conversation, my philosophy has drastically changed. I now believe my daughters should reserve a hug, kiss, and affection for those they KNOW.

Just because my husband and I know them does not mean they do. The girls should have a healthy fear of strangers, even if they are family members.

There should never be an obligation for any sort of touch before they are comfortable. Girls need to be brought up explicitly knowing that  “no means no”.  Additionally, they have the right to stand up for themselves.

Since that conversation, my philosophy has drastically changed. I now believe my daughters should reserve a hug, kiss, and affection for those they KNOW. Just because my husband and I know them does not mean they do. The girls should have a healthy fear of strangers, even if they are family members.

There should never be an obligation for any sort of touch before they are comfortable. The girls need to be brought up explicitly knowing that  “no means no” and they have the right to stand up for themselves.

How to Interact with Cultural Differences

In our daily life, my daughter’s world is different. Since she is part of a diplomat family, she meets new people every single day.  After 2 years of living in one country, she leaves everyone she knows to start over in a different country.

Whether it’s a new guard at our house, an influx of new military teams, going to a new school, or a new beach, she is surrounded by strangers all the time. This kind of lifestyle gave me ample reasons for reflection. I had to think long and hard about how she perceived being touched by anyone she doesn’t know well.

Courageous Conversations to Teach Girls About Boundaries 

I think as parents, we think our little girls need to be more “mature” to handle topics such as unwanted touch. In this day and age, we do more harm than good not to have those conversations. I told my little 4-year-old explicitly what to say if a man or woman was forcing her in any way. We made it very clear that she never has to touch/shake/hug/kiss anyone.

Before she went to pre-school, we read and talked about books that teaching body privacy and appropriate touch. (My book list is below.)

We taught her to smile and ask polite questions so she can be just as charming without any sort of physical interaction. This alleviated my fears in a huge way and I know this is going to protect her as she grows up.

We cannot teach our little girls that unwanted touch is polite when they are young, and then it is molestation when they are 14 years old.

Tools to Teach Girls About Boundaries 

We have to give them the tools to stand up for themselves when they are young. We have to be consistent in the messages we imprint when they are young. And we must stop forcing our little girls to accept strangers physical touch because they are “cute/adorable/beautiful” little girls. Darn right my daughter is precious, but keep your hands off!

Have you experienced culture shock with your kids? Are there difficult conversations in your family because of living somewhere different? Do you have different parenting strategies than your spouse? I would love to hear your stories in the comments below of how you teach your daughter boundaries (or any precious girl in your life).

Best Books to Girls About Boundaries 

Pinky Promise by Alicia J. Turner. This brand new book takes on one of the most sensitive and truly critical topics: child sexual abuse. Having a conversation about sexual abuse is truly a courageous conversation.

For a child to disclose this kind of trauma means you have to elicit and build trust with them first.

During my undergrad, I worked in a group home with both victims and abusers for 2 years. We tend to think that this kind of tragedy can’t happen to us. However, these children led normal and everyday lives. Until they didn’t.

Parents and caregivers are often clueless with the warning signals of sexual abuse as a coping mechanism.

Pinky Promise not only gives realistic scenarios where you can discuss boundaries and consent but also helps adults understand and recognize those warning signs.

How to Use a Pinky Promise to Protect Girls

The beauty of the finger lock as a “pinky promise” is a gesture that every educator, caregiver, parent, grandparent, and friends can use.  This book is a marvelous educational tool for building a strong bond with a child so they feel reassured and protected.

I love the certificate at the end of the book for children to sign themselves that they understand that they have PERMISSION to break the code of silence. Thanks to the recent surge of the #metoo campaign, we know that together our voices are strong. We CAN demand to be heard. No longer will girls need to feel ashamed or intimidated to speak up and speak out. Watch this powerful video with real stories of real women who are victims of sexual abuse.

They have joined with the author and have spoken out against their abusers and taken back the power of the Pinky Promise. Be sure to support this wonderful author as well as the urgent need for this topic in children’s literature and pick up a copy of the book today.

Disclaimer: I received a copy of this book in exchange for my honest review. As always, opinions are my own. 

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More Picture Book Recommendations

No Means No! Teaching Children about Personal Boundaries, Respect, and Consent 

Your Body Belongs to You 

Those are MY Private Parts

Who Has What? All About Girls’ Bodies and Boys’ Bodies 

Amazing You: Getting Smart About Your Private Parts 

It’s Not the Stork! A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families, and Friends

My Body: What I Say Goes (A book to empower and teach children about personal body safety, feelings, safe and unsafe touch, private parts, secrets and surprises, consent, and respectful relationships)

An Exceptional Children’s Guide to Touch: Teaching Social and Physical Boundaries to Kids  (this book is for children with special needs who may not be able to pick up on social cues)

For more amazing books to check out: Top 5 Books for Raising Strong Girls (for teachers as well).